What's New?
September 23rd 2008
Meatallica is back in the mother effin hizzy, bitches!!! That's right, the boys are back, and they've taken the cozy cock of commercialism out of their respective mouths. 8 minute songs and all. 7 out of 10 tracks are %100 "Lightning/Puppet's/Justice" worthy. As an old school fan of theirs I never thought I'd hear them go back to their roots after the "Black" album came out. I lost faith. Shame on me. God help the wannabe fans in the front row with their lighters waiting to hear "Nothing Else Matters," because when the guy's bust out track one from "Death Magnetic" there is gonna be some shit goin down in that mosh pit. Like them. Hard. Step aside Metalli-poser's... your days of encouraging Metal's greatest band (remember, Metallica went platinum AND sold out arena's WAAAAY before they ever got MTV OR radio play, the ONLY band to EVER do such a thing) to sell out are o-v-e-r! OVER!!! I hope. Metal, baby. METAL!!!
Habes
March 5th 2008
So, last night in Columbia South Carolina was interesting... I was closing the show at Comedy House Theater. Strange crowd. Admittedly, i wasn't having my greatest set but I certainly wasn't dying a horrible death either. These 3 black women in the front row wouldn't shut up long enough for me to get through a premise (apparently I didn't talk about my penis, hump bar stools enough, or discuss how "black people and white people are different" for their taste). A couple of times during my set I leaned over and said "shhhh, you're in the front row, I can hear you" and went right back to what I was doing. This usually gets a chuckle and let's the audience know that there are people being rude up front. You can see an example of how that works for me if you watch my "army ad's" bit on youtube located on the left side of my myspace profile. I'm going to recount this altercation to the best of my recollection. Parts of it may be out of order. The ring leader was a heavy set gal with a bright orange sweater, a bleached blonde crew cut and a beanie on her head. I made a mental note of this. She started demanding for me to "wrap it up" and I explained that she could always leave if she wasn't enjoying the show. She kept insisting. I told her that I was just trying to do my job, that I didn't come down to where she works to bother her (again, politely). She said that I wasn't doing my job because her and her friends didn't find me funny. I told her that being able to listen was kind of an important quality to have at a comedy show. This chick stood up, said "you ain't funny," turned to the crowd and said, "am i right?!?" She was met with silence. I told her that these folks came out to listen to comedians, not rude, drunk bitches with turrets syndrome. "Am I right" I asked the crowd? The audience LOST it!!! I noticed a few cell phone camera's out by this point (one girl asked me after the show if she could put it on youtube, I said I'd rather she didn't, but what the hell could I do about it anyway. At least she asked for permission, which was more than the other people taping the incident did... okay, back to the story). Then she said "fuck your mother!" Really? "Why are you bringing mothers into this," I said laughingly?. She kept yelling inaudibly on her way to the door. Before she got up to leave I said something to the effect of "I can't wait to call my mom and tell her that Re-Run from "Whats Happening" told her to go fuck herself. The audience ripped up in applause! Then I asked the rest of the people if I could move on with my show and they were with me. "You see that, lady?" I yelled. "That's democracy at it's finest!!!" Again, this all happened so fast and unexpectedly, so parts of the story may be out of order a bit (but not much). I'm shocked at the lack of manners some people take with them when they go out. You might think that I enjoyed this back and forth banter, but really... I didn't. Every 5 minutes a comic has to deal with someone's stupidity is 5 minutes of material that comic doesn't get to do. This woman wanted to kill me, by the way. If she had been packing this could have been ugly. Are "pat downs" at comedy clubs right around the corner? They might need to be. I'm off tonight. Hope Thursday goes better. Late.
Habes